Where is he?
Does he exist?
Have I not learnt enough?
Will my tear ducts stop producing tears?
Will my heart breaks into tiny small pieces and eventually I will not know how to love?
Here I am sharing with the world what a nut case I am capable of being as far as love is concerned. I am a fool of love.
Nick was kind and funny and he adored me. We lasted for a year – drama free. A week later he told he me he is getting married. I paused in an effort trying to recollect the scene when Nick proposed to me. It’s not there…. I’m not loosing my mind. It’s not there because it never happened and there is no shiny rock on my finger either. Suddenly I don’t know how to breathe, my vision doubled and then tripled and blurred. He told me he decided to get married to the one chosen by his mother. There was no turning back for him and the right thing to do is to let him go. A week later, he tied the knot to his one. Four weeks later he called to tell me how much he missed me and another mouthful of sweet nothing nectar. My wound was still sore, I was angry and I wanted to splash dirty martini on his face. Two weeks later, my wound healed and I never got to humiliate him.
And then there was Ras from the Caribbean. He had dreadlocks, tall, good looking, pathological liar, womanizer, sweet talker, cheater, heart breaker and a musician. Women and young ladies flirted openly with him in my presence. I was extremely secured and thought the flirting were harmless. I ignored them all…. I thought ‘love’ is the thing that binds us.
I was with Ras for a long 5 years and I was miserable for 4 years and I don’t blame anyone but me.
Ras cheated on my once- shame on him. He cheated on me my twice - shame on him. Opps.. he did it again for the third time -shame on me. The fourth time: then I was a fool a love. How did I found out Ras was cheating on me? God told me and showed me. I guess God loves me despite of my paper-thin faith in him. I bite my tongue for I fear of having verbal diarrhea of pain, disappointment, rage and all I wanted to do was beat the crap out of him. I wanted to cry but I was not sad... So I gather enough courage to confront him and as exepected, he'd turn things around. Said I made those things up, that those women didn't mean a thing and it was just a one time thing, so he kept on lying. When he ran out of lies, I was accused of being insecure.
The last year I was with Ras it was '05, I didn’t know who I was…. I looked in the mirror and all I can see is sadness, sorrow, guilt, self-blame and the whole nine yards of negativities. I became a walking, eating, breathing zombie who goes to work and pretend all is honky dory. Then one day God told me to dumb the bastard (yes - God said a bad word!). Ras thought I was joking, so a week later – I broke-up with him for the second time. I cried but this time it was tears of joy coupled with tears of pity for Ras. Some people collect stamps for hobbies and Ras collects women. What a looser! I was proud and beyond of myself for pulling the plug. I felt pounds lighter, I was not scared of my reflection in the mirror, I can taste the goodness of life and that is when I started to have a relationship with God. The following week Ras moved in with the woman he was seeing while he was with me.
After Ras, I became bitter. Trusting a man is something I struggle with.
Many, many years later I met Michael. Charming, funny and told me he is in his 50s. Later I found out the truth, he is in his 60s. Michael charmed me with his sweet and warm chocolaty words and I dived in and tragically I crashed.
Many, many years later I met Michael. Charming, funny and told me he is in his 50s. Later I found out the truth, he is in his 60s. Michael charmed me with his sweet and warm chocolaty words and I dived in and tragically I crashed.
His favorite terms of endearment is ‘sayang’ a.k.a darling or sweetheart - and boy did I melt when he utter the word. It’s ‘sayang’ coated with enough amount of chocolate to rope me in. His sweet talks continued for about a while and a bit longer and then his words became sour. Sayang was no longer at the tip of his tongue and as humiliating as it is to admit…. I miss hearing him calling me sayang. I knew I was an addict but what the hell... I wanted more. But not long after he changed. His words became harsh, conversations turned into e-mails and e-mails turned sour, unfriendly and distant. Michael would make plans and he'd cancel minutes after. Like Christmas, Michael's cancellation never fail to make an appearance. I thought long and hard in an attempt to figure out why he treated me this way. I gave up thinking and the only way to end this feeling of being disrespected is to tell him goodbye.
I was a fool for love.